Cruelties: Codependence and coercion of care
How unconscious sadomasochism has frustrated our negotiation of safety
Dear Readers,
A belated Happy Thanksgiving, and apologies for my absence in the last couple of months. I’ve experienced some personal and occupational interruptions, but I hope to make up for the time lost if possible.
Between the holidays, flu season, and the alarms over the new variant, it seems like a good time to consider what we should have learned about pandemic-induced codependence. In 2020, the slogan ‘I keep you safe, you keep me safe’ sprung into media, offering comfort to the fearful, and it still strikes me as typical of feminine codependence. Later, slogans like ‘Protect each other by getting vaccinated’ may have appealed to our codependence as much as it did to our altruism. The codependent mindset (i.e. ‘I give you what I want so that you will be obligated to yield what I want’) manifested in reactivity, controlling behaviors, and blaming others, but in the latter part of 2021, panic decreased and preference for taking personal responsibility and respecting boundaries increased.
Family therapist Darlene Lancer specializes in treating codependence and in her article on differences between codependent and interdependent relationships, she characterizes the former with “obsession, self-sacrifice, dysfunctional communication, and control” - all of which can be part of a cycle of abuse. Appropriate boundaries can be misperceived by codependents as selfishness or lack of care. Michael R. Drew, author of Pendulum, identified a similar pattern of self-righteousness, sacrifice, and stripping of individual liberties in periods of group violence and correlated it to a pervasive mindset of "I’m O.K. You’re not O.K.”
Although healthy boundaries are commonly resented and attributed to selfishness by codependents, not all such accusations are invalid. The negative space in slogans, chants, and battlecries can imply either positive or negative messages, and human behaviors can be motivated by our higher or our lower selves. For example, we probably all know many who volunteered for vaccination as soon as it was available. And within that group was a subset of individuals who were genuinely moved to reduce transmission and speed the return to normalcy for everyone. There seems to have been another subset that was more motivated by fear than love, and who insisted on others’ compliance regardless of their personal boundaries. Both pro-vax but with very different motivations. The former more interdependent, the latter indirectly self-interested.
On the other hand, those who resist pressures to vaccinate seems to include a subset that has valid concerns for personal autonomy and democracy. And there is also a subset that deliberately refuses minor inconveniences even for high risk individuals. Both un-vaxxed but with very different motivations. The former more interdependent, the latter quite possibly codependent. (Codependents Anonymous’s list of codependent avoidance patterns includes “act(ing) in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward them.”)
A common question that has been asked of those who coerce vaccination is, ‘If you’re fully vaccinated and protected, then why do you care if someone else is not?’ (I can think of multiple reasons but I’ll focus on one that isn’t even remotely medical.) In The Righteous Mind, social psychologist Jonathan Haidt identified “care” as being of high value to those on the Left. More recently, psychologists have noticed a surprising correlation between high neuroticism and the political Left. (I’m sure they are studying what kind of correlation this is.) At this point in history, a pandemic would predictably trigger the fear, hostility, and desire for control most in this group. And when codependence is modeled and encouraged by authority figures, some may feel justified to aggress against others in order to uphold their high standard of ‘care,’ while some among the opposed feel entitled to frustrate them and exacerbate their fears for ‘religious freedom.’
As complex as humans are, it is tempting to stereotype groups based on our experience of their actions. Human motivations don’t correlate to simplistic binaries such as pro-vax/anti-vax, but it is natural to load these labels when we feel someone from the other camp has trespassed or neglected our boundaries - particularly if we sense malicious intent. Psychoanalyst and sociologist Erich Fromm perceived the sadomasochism of passive-aggression in the self-serving variety of martyrs (in contrast to martyrs whose sacrifices are driven by genuine love).
“Frequently, and not only in the popular usage, sadomasochism is confounded with love. Masochistic phenomena, especially, are looked upon as expressions of love. An attitude of complete self-denial for the sake of another person and the surrender of one’s own rights and claims to another person have been praised as examples of ‘great love.’ It seems that there is no better proof for ‘love’ than sacrifice and the readiness to give oneself up for the sake of the beloved person. Actually, in these cases, ‘love’ is essentially a masochistic yearning and rooted in the symbiotic need of the person involved.”
- Erich Fromm, Escape from Freedom
The aggression in particular is reflected in many of the sadomasochistic patterns listed by Codependents Anonymous - mainly, the desire for control over others (i.e. “believ(ing) people are incapable of taking care of themselves, attempt(ing) to convince others what to think, do, or feel, becom(ing) resentful when others decline their help or reject their advice).” The struggle for control and other forms of destructiveness have strong correlations to death anxiety. Existential anxieties are universal and often unconsciously acted upon by people of all groups and persuasions.
“Both the masochistic and sadistic strivings tend to help the individual to escape his unbearable feeling of aloneness and powerlessness… Frequently this feeling is not conscious; often it is covered by compensatory feelings of eminence and perfection.”
- Erich Fromm, Escape from Freedom
Coercing “care” from others can be unconsciously motivated as much by desire for power as by fear of death - often two sides of the same coin. The objects of fear may differ between the Left and the Right, but death anxiety is a fundamental part of the human condition. As a therapist, I don’t give medical advice but I do support each person to make decisions in the interest of their psychological and integrated health. What that looks like for each person is unique to them, but it almost always involves a fundamental acceptance of mortality as a fact of life, and appreciation for those who challenge us with their differences. Norway and Singapore have opted for a psychologically adaptive response to the pandemic that reminds me of the principles of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) - an approach that improves quality of life and of relationships. It will be interesting to study changes in mental health as they adapt to the realistic expectations of covid.
We’ve all had nearly two years to learn that attempts to control or shame others runs counter to care. And to our credit, an increasing number of both the vaccinated and unvaccinated, the Left and the Right are modeling interdependent support for each others’ rights to make decisions about their own treatment. As we make peace with the reality of death and the pendulum makes its way back towards “I’m O.K. and you’re O.K.”, we seem to be relearning how to be an interdependent society that exists and coexists with intentionality and appreciation. May we remain empowered to do so in spite of those who seek to trouble and undermine us.
I wish you all peaceful and charitable holidays.